Have you ever been brought into a warm, tight embrace and in the corner of your eye you see your rolls of belly and decide you are undesirable? Or perhaps you were being fucked in doggy style but all you could see was the pile of laundry on the floor that – for some unknown reason – your husband couldn’t manage to get into the laundry basket 6 inches away? Committing to your sexy requires focus and a blindfold is the best tool for harnessing focus.

Several years ago my husband and I discovered our kinky side. We explored kink play at home and then started going to parties. Whether it was true or not, I always felt like one of the oldest, heaviest women in the room. After some experimenting I realized that if I put on a blindfold then I was the only person in the room. I didn’t notice anyone else and I would joke that ‘no one else was there.’ The blindfold gave me a sense of anonymity that allowed me to react as though no one was watching – to make the sounds that came naturally, to call out remarks or sexy challenges, to drool or growl or even to cry. 

Blindfolds are great for so many types of sexy time – partnered or unpartnered or multi-partnered (*wink*).

Learn more and find what you need 

How many times has your soft and furry blanket provided you with comfort? Does the warmth of the sun make your skin and mood brighter? Sensations affect our mood and among the wide variety of sensations out there, there is one that will make your pussy tingle.

In an early sexy toolkit I had a long soft purple feather. I remembered every movie scene with a lounging lady writhing as a feather caressed her body. I hoped that feeling that gentle softness sliding down the length of my body would awaken my lust. But no, while the feather felt nice it did not arouse me.

Then my husband and I experimented with wax. After extensive research into the appropriate type of wax to use– a colorful type that would not be too hot – we bought a cheap “Jesus” candle from a bodega and started with a few drops on my legs. It was nice. I enjoyed it. Then he brought out a mildly sharp tool to scrap off the dried wax. As he ran the sharpness gently down my legs, I involuntarily moaned. My whole body – pussy included– reacted with tingles. I wanted more of that.

I don’t want to be cut or scarred in any way, so we have discovered many blunted tools with sharp edges – sometimes even a credit card can do the job – that give the sensation of sharpness gracing my skin. When I have my blindfold on I have no idea what the sensation is or where it will appear next.

Experiment with the world of sensation toys and note the ones that give you the reactions you seek. Build yourself a sexy sensation toolkit and keep it in an easy to access place. Not dissimilar to your furry blanket, use your sexy sensation toys whenever you want to change how you feel.

Learn more and find what you need 

Lubricant that is safe for your vagina, ass, and mouth, and doesn’t taste awful, is a requirement for me at this stage in life. I remember the days when I would soak my panties during a good make-out session. Now I can be both ravenously horny and dry as the desert. Attempting to orgasm or use toys in that arid condition is a turn off and even dangerous to sensitive genital tissues.

Unfortunately finding the right lubricant for you is a trial-and-error process. Please note – I am not a Medical Professional, and my advice should not be taken as such. This 2024 article from Heathline has important information on personal lubricants. 

You likely will find that you prefer different lubricants for different purposes. Maybe the one you prefer while masturbating solo with toys is different than the one that you and your partner prefer during vaginal sex. It is very common to prefer a different lubes for vaginal sex and anal play. For my 50th birthday, a guest gifted me a small pink gift bag with dozens of personal lubricant samples that I imagine they had been collecting for months. Their generosity started me on a fun experimenting journey.

Learn more and find what you need 

My first orgasms occurred in the front seat of my boyfriend’s Isuzu Trooper. We were young, lean, and bendy without a private place to fuck. We would park his Trooper at night in a deserted parking lot. He would unbelt and push the driver’s seat as far back as possible. I would remove my panties and climb onto his always ready cock. With my hand on the “oh shit” bar above me I would ride and grind and climax over and over. That was my very reliable method for climaxing, but eventually the Trooper went away. That is when I started exploring vibrators.

In the Trooper I realized that I climaxed through grinding, but grinding was difficult to recreate discreetly in bed at night. I had heard about vibrators and understood they possessed magic, at least in the movies. I tried many models, starting with small and cheap from a local sex shop, then more elaborate models including the famous Rabbit, but none of them brought me to reliable climaxes. In lifestyle clubs (aka swinger’s clubs) I have seen women and men wearing small metal vibrators on chains around their necks so that they always have a helping hand available. Others prefer vibrating gloves or certain materials, such as metal versus soft silicone.

One day in a sex shop, the owner told me about her experience in one of Betty Dodson’s famous Bodysex workshops and how much she enjoyed the Magic Wand (formerly the Hitachi Magic Wand) that Betty used in the workshop. At the time, it was a plug in vibrator (cordless is now available). It was an investment, but I decided to give it a try. It was powerful and a little loud, but oh so effective. Apparently, I need vibration more than insertion. After much experimentation I found my vibrator match with the Magic Wand and have never looked back. 

Learn more and find what you need 

What can you do with a dildo? What can’t you do? Having an extra cock around that has no limits on its erection, is the perfect size for the purpose, and may even have ridges or other stimulating attributes is very helpful with solo or partnered sex.

Just like a bio-cock, that dildo can be licked, sucked, grinded on, or inserted in orifices. When you are solo it gives you the flexibility to play. With a partner, you can role play or tease. I have used my favorite dildo to put on a show for my husband. Before ravishing his cock, I show him what I can do to the “other” cock. I put on my best blow job performance with my silicone friend for my audience of one. Sometimes that other cock has a name and becomes part of our role playing threesome for the night.

Learn more and find what you need 

There is a general rule that the best sex is messy. The mess can be anything – organic or inorganic. Regardless, you don’t want to be worried about ruining your mattress or having to sleep in the wet spot. Absorbent pads between you and your mattress, couch, floor, etc. during sex is a great hack for reducing mess and stress. There are many disposable options, including puppy pads which will keep people guessing if you don’t have a dog, as well as washable options that absorb very well and can be easily washed with your towels. Don’t let fear of a wet or messy bed make sex less enjoyable.

Learn more and find what you need 

We are surrounded by porn. Images, words, or sounds that can illicit a sexual response in us are everywhere. I have a few right here. There are books that are hundreds of years old and movie clips that are AI generated to maximize sexual response. Some people prefer to watch their porn while others prefer to listen to or read it. The subtleness, creativity, and topics vary greatly. 

It is important to find what inspires you and know that just because it gets you hot, that doesn’t mean you want to do it yourself. Don’t judge yourself based upon what media makes you horny. Look for ethically produced media – porn that you need to pay for or that was shared with you by the creator themselves. Porn created consensually and used for personal pleasure is the creative process in use.

Learn more and find what you need 

What is a dildo harness? It is any device that holds a dildo in place. Perhaps you have heard of a strap-on? The common image is a woman wearing a contraption with lots of straps and belts around their hips with a dildo - destined for a man’s ass – pointing out. But that is only one fantasy. There are so many other uses – in solo play and with partners.

Harnesses come in many shapes and sizes designed to attach to almost any body part or piece of furniture. One of the first that I came across was a thigh strap on. When my husband and I first ventured into the kink scene we had a rule that we would not be having penetrative sex with others. I met a man with similar rules for his own reasons and he had so many clever ideas. He asked me for my favorite dildo, placed it in a harness, wrapped the harness around his thigh so that the dildo sprung from his thigh, and asked me to ride it. He wanted to watch me ride him, he wanted to play with my breasts as they bounced in front of him, and he wanted me to move however I wanted on the perfectly hard, perfectly sized cock for me.

While having dildos that you and your partner enjoy is very helpful, using them without a harness can be tricky. You are literally fucking one-handed. With a harness holding the dildo securely – to a pelvis, a thigh, the arm of a chair – the dildo is transformed.

This next example is for the men reading…your woman’s body is changing with age along with yours. You are not alone in feeling that your erection is less reliable. Sometimes it is there and sometimes it is not. Hopefully you remember that using your mouth and fingers and any other sexy toys are great options, regardless of the status of your erection. A strap-on harness for you to wear is one of those great options. Find the strap-on harness that fits your hips and give yourself the cock you want. Your partner can suck and fuck your new cock without any fear of you going soft in the moment.

Or…she can wear it for use on you (more on this later).

Learn more and find what you need 

I realize that anal play is off limits for many people, but it is very enjoyable for many as well. Once again it involves experimenting.  Anal play does not mean anal sex. Perhaps you would enjoy having a lubed up finger or two pushing against - not in - your anus while your clit is licked and rubbed. Maybe you want a single finger inserted – with lots of lube – just to feel the stretch. Perhaps your partner would like that as well.

Your ass is a sensual, sensitive body part. It should be grabbed and licked and explored for pleasure. If and when that exploration moves to your anus there are a world of toys and experimentation to be had. I have introduced many friends to anal training sets, butt plugs that start very small and grow increasingly larger. The only goal with anal play is to do what feels good.

Learn more and find what you need 

Restraints serve both a mental and physical purpose – and should be used with extreme caution. To start, do you trust your partner or partners? Do they trust you? Whether you are using fuzzy handcuffs or jute rope for restraint there is a serious risk of injury and you need to be comfortable communicating with your partner and know that they will release you at the first sign or mention of problems. If the restrained and restrainer are both sober and of sound mind then there is a world of options to explore. If you are being restrained, do you want to relax into it? Or do you want to pull against your restraints, role playing that you are being held against your will? What story will play in your mind?

Also, let’s not assume that you are the one being restrained. I recommend experimenting with being the restrainer. One of my most memorable nights was the first time I restrained a male friend. As he laid on the floor I wrapped him in black pallet wrap from toes to shoulders, leaving his cock free above the wrapping. His legs were together tight (tip: put a folded towel between knees to avoid pain) and his arms were pinned to his torso. He wore a hood to blind him. Now he was my prey. I took my time and played against his prone body. I grinded on his leg and his face. I ran my Magic Wand against his bound, sensitive parts. I lubed up my hand and slowly stroked his cock. I teased him and watched him squirm – as much as he could.

Pallet wrap, cuffs, belts, neckties (I never recommend handcuffs, btw) are only a sample of the restraint options. The role playing and physical sensations associated with restraints can help you to get out of your usual non-sexy thoughts and into a more playful headspace, as long as you have a real sense of safety and trust with whomever you are playing with.

Learn more and find what you need